The Journal

Sitting in my study I open my desk draw and pull my journal from its resting place. Lost in thoughts I take pen to paper and begin this imagined letter to you.

You are always on my mind for some reason. It has been almost 20 years since I last saw you. I still remember that last day sitting on the picnic table on the porch and watching as you drive up in your car. You take away my breath as always and a lump forms in my throat. I see you walk up and my girlfriend gets up and gives me a kiss before she leaves. You reach the top of the steps. Your eyes are wide; surprised I’m sure, maybe shocked that I would have a girlfriend. I still wonder what you were thinking at that moment. Our conversation is short, you ask me to go get a drink with you. I tell you I cannot go and you tear my heart more when you tell me how I’m treating you different. The pain is too great and even now my inner me is screaming to run to you and grab you, hold you and kiss you. I don’t, I tell you were friends now like you wanted. Emotions and anger surge up as I remember how much pain you caused me. I let you go and you walk away slowly to your car. It’s the last time I ever see you.  You have never left me though, over 20 years you have haunted my dreams and my thoughts. No one compares to you and your beauty.


I remember clearly the day you came out of the back of the trailer from your room; the light was shining down the hall as you came into the living room. Your frame was silhouetted by the light, its rays streaming around you. As you walked, your movements caused your hair to blow back and the light burst through making you shine like the sun. Absolute perfection, beauty, you’re a goddess to me, an angel from heaven. I feel my draw drop in awe. I must have had such a silly look on my face because you smile at me, but don’t say anything.

I remember your eyes how beautiful they are and how much I desired you when I looked into them deeply.  The feel of your hair was magical as I run my fingers through it, so soft.  My happiest moments were always with you. Every time I heard your voice when you called my stomach would jump into my throat. Driving to your house my heart beat would feel like explosions coming through my chest so rapid in there timing. I knew then that I loved you and I love you now, still.


Twenty years have passed and I know you have changed, I have changed and things are not the same. I cannot forget though, I have tried to put you in the past. My heart still aches for you. I have tried to go on and build relationships with others. Yet I cannot give them the love they need, deserve or want. My love belongs to you and you alone. It always has and always will, even if we are never to be together. I will leave this life with thoughts of you in my mind. Why do you haunt me so?? I have tried to find you only twice before and yet again, I am trying to find you to hear your voice, see your face.

I am sure the possibility of us is over but I have to see you. I have to look in your eyes one last time. I guess its closure I need. Oh hell, who am I kidding I need you! I love you! I want to be with you forever. For me, you were true love. I would move heaven and earth for you. I would worship the ground you walk on. It may be difficult for you to hear or understand now after so long. After you moving on and having a family, I know. I am torn myself. It is an impossible situation that I ache for. The reality is our life, our paths are different. It saddens me as my heart shivers with desire for you.

Will I ever be able to love, truly love someone else. My relationships have begun with the feelings of love and when the newness fades I grow restless. I feel something missing. I even begin to think that I was never in love with them. It was just a bandaid to cover the pain of not being with you. Like all bandaids they don’t last long and the pain is there. I cannot tell you how many times I found you and spoke with you in my dreams. Each encounter different and yet my desire to be with you is always there hiding, waiting, wanting.


The first time I went to your house it was around Christmas and I took you a stuffed animal. Your hair was short, you had shaved it because the hair salon colored it wrong and you hated it. You were beautiful even like that. I could not imagine being with anyone but you even that early in our time together.  You know I even truly loved going shopping with you for hours on end. Racks and racks of women’s clothes and I never got bored of watching you look through them all. You were so amazing, so happy, you were my goddess.

I still smile when I think of you then even now as I write. You still make me smile, I still want to hold you and kiss you. I want to feel you next to me in bed as I hold you close and drift slowly to sleep. I want to wake to the first rays of the sun to feel your warmth and body next to me. I want to watch you sleep and marvel at your beauty. What would it be like to come home and see you there moving around the house completing little tasks as the kids run through the house screaming? To see your face as you notice my arrival, the look in your eyes and your beautiful smile slowly spread across your face as we move towards each other. The first touch of our hands is electrifying as I slowly take you to me. The soft touch of your lips as we kiss brings explosions in my head. Even now,. I feel the explosions in my mind. How intoxicating you are to me.


I am distracted by my phone as the screen lights up and there is an unknown number on the screen. It is a text message, “Fourth and Main, 2:30 pm.” I stare at the screen and I quickly type in “who is this?” I wait several minutes, but no reply. I sit back staring at the number wondering who could be contacting me. I look down at my journal and sigh. I slowly close it and place it back in my desk turning the key in the lock. I stand up and stretch, images flash through my mind and I shake my head; more thoughts of you. I look at my watch and see it is 2:00 pm. I don’t know who it is asking me to go to Starbucks on fourth and main but I shrug and think a good caramel macchiato would be great at the moment either way. I chuckle as a scene from the “Godfather” flashes before me. That’s crazy, I say as I grab my keys from the desk top and head for the door.

As I approach Starbucks my curiosity takes over and I begin to look left and right to see if I recognize anyone. I don’t, and my mind begins to race as I pull in to an empty spot near the entrance. I make my way to the door and enter slowly, stopping just inside the door as I scan the various tables for anyone I might know. I don’t recognize anybody and I take a quick look at my watch, 2:20 pm. Ten minutes. I get my caramel macchiato and find a table taking a second look at my watch, 2:30 pm. I look around at the tables again and still nothing. I shrug and wonder if this is all a joke. I reach for my phone and I began to type a berating message to the joke player. “Tom?” I hear as I feel a slight tap on my shoulder. I’m still fuming as I turn to see who has called my name and my eyes grow wide, my jaw hits the floor and I about fall out of my seat. It’s you; you’re here, in front of me. My heart does back flips in my chest, my breathing comes quickly as I gasp and try to speak. Nothing comes out but I slowly stand and you step to me. The thoughts in my head explode in so many directions as I wrap my arms around you and pull you close. ”I found you, I finally found you.” Or really, you found me. “I love you,” I whisper into your ear as I bury my head into your neck taking in your smell as my eyes begin to water with joy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s